Thursday, November 20, 2008

I wonder why...

I started writing on my diary again yesterday. I've had the same diary for 3 years! I bought one with a lot of pages and lately I haven't been writing much. I started again yesterday. The blog gives me that writer's fix but there's something different about putting your thoughts on paper. I am way more honest. I tend not to read recent entries but I am getting a kick of reading entries of the time Zeke and I were dating. I would write EVERYTHING that happened. Some of the details got lost in our minds but they always come back once we read it. At first I wouldn't let Zeke read my diaries, now is no big deal. He actually prefers that I read them to him (he's like that with books too) which must be a treat cause you can hear the writer in her own voice. I also think about the many diaries I have and how my children might read them. I keep thinking that it would be thrill. My life has been fun. Lots of new places, new people and old friends come back into it every now and then. I'm more excited about the future and how much things will continue to change.
The word that most people tell me when they find out about my pregnancy is CHANGE. One of those conversations happened yesterday. The person meant well but inside of me I was really thinking 'I know but, can you let me live please?' Today I feel that the good thing about that comment was that I can take it as a positive one.
Being in a different culture than mine has been a challenge for as long as I've been in America. It's no different now than it was 10 years ago. I've been challenged and I will continue to be challenge to change and follow God's plan for my life. When it comes to motherhood tough, it seems like everyone suddenly takes ownership of your life and they become experts on how things are going to change so much. My challenge is to stay positive and not to let things get to me. I do believe that experience is not excuse to be invasive in one's privacy and life.
I guess I'm not used to so many strangers giving me advice (whether useful or not). Where was everyone when I moved by myself to my college dorm and my parents were not there to pick me up for holidays? Nobody told me about change then.
Where were those voices when I graduated from grad school? Where were those voices when I married the love of my life? Where were those voices when my health turned from bad to great? There was no one there to say: your life is going to change girl!
It might just be the position I'm in. It might be the culture too. What I experience in Brasil was encouragement on top of encouragement. People didn't give you empty promises, they put their whole selves out there to help you and hold your hand. I got more than words.
It's funny to be in a place where you get words of uncertainty. I asked God what in the world is He trying to give me. Reliance on Him is one thing. When you go through graduation, wedding and maybe child birth without extended family around, you gotta gain more of a dependence on Him.
This is not a post to complain about life and the people who surround me with sometimes unwelcome comments. This is a post of wonder. I wonder, oh I wonder what is God giving me through this situation. Many things might change from here til May. One thing I know, I've developed dependence on God living in America. He's preparing me for something. The curriculum may seem strange but one day I'll look back and even if I don't understand it all, I will be able to say, THANK YOU GOD for being with me all the way. He's the greatest friend of all, have you heard?

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