I'm angry. My angel baby screamed at me today. It's just her third day of life and until now she had been perfect. When it was just You, the two of us and all the nurses in the world she was acting great! She was latching well, she wasn't hard to console... seems like we had known each other forever. I thought, 'maybe this time this breastfeeding thing will work.'
My angel baby is different from her brother. I had hope the colostrum was going to keep coming. I can't find much of it tonight.
When we were in the hospital I felt free from pressure to perform. Now that I have a world of relatives knocking on my door, everyone wants to feed and burp. One of the reasons why I wanted to breastfeed is to keep that exclusivity. Only mama bird can do this certain activity. Is that so wrong? Yes Lord, I have heard of mothers supplementing with formula before their milk comes in. I just wonder how come You can't open an exception so I can show off my breastfeeding skills. That's the least I can do after having 2 c-sections right? I can at least come up with milk on my own and show off my womanhood, right? No, I'm not hormonal right now, just being real! Real wrong, I must admit.
I think I'll go back to plan A. If I remember correctly, it involved me pursuing breastfeeding in peace and letting the chips fall where they may. If it works, it works. If not, I have given my angel baby the best nutritional start I could have given. Dear Lord, just fill me with patience. Remind me I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I just need to love and to be loved right now. Sincerely,
Cintia
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13 (NLT)
* After a night struggling not to give up more milk came! It came as the answer to my letter and many prayers. It came when I needed the most (right before a stressful situation) but expected the least. God answers letters. Smile.
About "Dear Lord"
This is my first letter to God, written July 30th, 2010 while we welcomed my second bundle of joy home. These letters express my circumstances, feelings and the hope I have in God. Enjoy it!
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