Saturday, August 8, 2020

The estate of my heart

When you are a super positive person, it is difficult to be sad. Even when you have to. I decided to give this a try for myself. I had a deeply sad week. 

I thought I should be honest with people about the estate of my heart. I told myself that if anyone would ask me how I was doing, I would tell the truth. 

I got in my car and went to Starbucks. If was going to be sad, at least I shouldn't be hangry on top of that. The drive-thru barista said, "how are you, honey?" Without waiting for a second, I said, "fine." I drove away disappointed at myself. 

All those years of being positive became a habit. I'm always fine. Until I'm not. 

Regardless of what I say, the heart does not forget its sorrow. So I feel it. 

It took me a while to learn that I should feel my own feelings. I would suppress them. Now I try my best to feel them as they come. 

Some sadness is overpowering, such as the one that takes over me when I grief a loss. Another sadness is not as overpowering but it can be as strong once it shows up. I decided to feel them all as they come to me. The other day, as I was reading the Bible, the writer said sadness was better than joy. My only rationale for such a thing is, if you're at the bottom, things can only get better from there. 

The writer summarizes how I feel. "Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face, the heart is made glad." Ecclesiastes 7:3 (ESV).

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